MASH Quotes

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce

• A device is yet to be invented that will measure my indifference to this remark.
• Okay, Radar, state your business, in one word or less.
• Well, what's the slop du jour?
• If we don't go crazy once in a while, we'll all go crazy.
• The way I see it, the army owes us so many coffee breaks, we should get 1954 off.
• This is the first case of teenage male menopause.
• Halloween in Korea -- bobbing for shrapnel.
• You ever had one of those wars where everything goes wrong?
• Don't worry, I've never lost a patient. I never lose anything. Have you seen my stethoscope?
• Come on stupid, don't play dumb with me!
• Henry, you are bursting with something, your face could open a branch smile!
• She's offered her body to science. Time and time again.
• How can you kick out this little puppy of a person? (Hawkeye către Frank despre Radar)
• Sit down, Trap, it lets you use your best part.
• After the way I am having a bust made out of your head, or, possibly, the other way around. (Hawkeye către Margaret)
• It's Frank's birthday, I wonder how old he is. Let's saw him in half tonight and count his rings.
• Frank, can I borrow your doctor's diploma? They are a little short in the latrine.
• I told you the food here should not be taken internally.
• Ugly color, 40 years out of style, fits like a tent? It's a class A uniform alright.
• You know what time it is? It's quarter to dead!
• It's the first time I've seen orange juice labeled "freshly killed".
• I am going to name my first wife after him. (Hawkeye despre Radar)
• Us? Put in cement? We are doctors, not dentists.
• I can't do it, I'm not a psychiatrist. I am not screwed up enough.
• The only thing Charles remembers fondly from his childhood is his hair.
• Any father of Margaret is a father of mine.
• Hi, good-looking, get sick here often? (Hawkeye către Margaret)
• I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!
• I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions.
• Insanity is just a state of mind.
• Always trust your car to a man who has a star.
• Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, having taken a tramp through the woods, lies in a ditch on the edge of town...
• You know you're beautiful when he's angry?
• Besides one of us is in love with Henry, and I think its me!
• Forward...Drink!
• You have a fever of 109 stroke 10, you can't have an incubator but you can have a pizza to go, unless of course you go first.
• Praise the Lord and pass the sauce!
• What a unique device, the human tush. An architectural wonder, one of a kind...actually two of a kind. Designed to support our weight for a lifetime of sitting it also has the subtlety to do the samba. And when attached to certain members of the female species at a time when light summer dresses are worn can cause some of us to drive our cars straight up a lamppost.
• I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the A-train, I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take five.
• I'm a life long Anglophile. England is still the only place I know where any young man can grow up to be the Queen.
• Let's shoot him and put him out of our misery.
• I don't mind eating if it's possible to make a martini sandwich.
• I'd like a dry martini, Mr. Quoc, a very dry martini. A very dry, arrid, barren, desiccated, veritable dustbowel of a martini. I want a martini that could be declared a disaster area. Mix me just such a martini.
• I'm reminded of a story, you've probably heard it. The king and queen of this country were playing golf with five clubs. Their son Jack remarked how strange it was that they only had two hearts between them. And just then his sister Little Deucy and her dog Tre started singing "Four Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend," whereupon the whole family beat her to death and buried her with two spades.
• I am the essence of overconfidence! I am speculation, adventure, the spirit of pursuit, the stag howling for its winsome yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution; the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle buzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life. I am appetite!
• We'll get around him or my name isn't whatever my name is.
• Never let it be said I didn't do the least I could do!
• The army, in its infinite wisdom, has not only cleared Frank of the charges, they have assigned him to a veterans hospital in Indiana and promoted him to Lieutenant-Colonel.
• Let's see. Jacket, sweater, robe, sweater, sweater, shirt. I'm practicly naked.
• Hello, excuse me. Attention out there, would corporal Radar O'Reilly please report to his going-away-party? All of your friends would love to see you, while they can still see you. (Hawkeye la staţia de amplificare)
• You just have to kill germs, you don't have to hang around for the funeral.
• I get the feeling I'm speaking in ever-diminishing circles as I disappear up my own mouth hole.
• He's got eyes in the back of his stethoscope.
• For your condition you are in great condition!
• Round and round they go, here comes your cards, there goes your dough.
• You look like an ad for death!

Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre

• All it needs is a little salt.... pepper.... mustard, catchup, sauce, flavour.
• Quiet, will you? The man is trying to be dull. Go ahead, Frank, dull away.
• How would you like to donate a pint of blood through your nose?
• What happens in the event that figure 'A' is attracted to figure 'B' and wants to get married, but figure 'A' is already married to figure 'C' and figure 'B' is engaged to figure 'D', but figure 'A' can't keep his hands of figure 'B' because she's got such agreat figure?
• Hawkeye, someone came in here and committed a neatness!
• You are the 10 most boring people I know. (Trapper către Frank)

Lt. Col. Henry Blake

• This is Frank Burns, one of our best surgeons. A real killer.
• This is the best thing that ever happened to me since I did my first strangulated hernia.
• I want you to accord Major Houlihan attention and respect according to someone who achieved her high rank and sex.
• This is captain Pak, R.O.K, this is lieutenant Mulcahy, G.O.D.
• Frank, you've been pushing your stethoscope too far in your ears. I think it scratched your brain.
• Klinger, it's my considered opinion that no one is going to believe you are pregnant.
• I've got two kids of my own. I'm a former child myself.
• Frank, it's after six, you can stop being snotty!
• Sex happens to be one of the most important things in life in as much as each one of us is one or the other gender of it once we're born, which is the direct result of the act of it.

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly

• If you want a drink, sir, -- compliments Henry Blake -- brandy, scotch, vodka. And for your convenience, all in the same bottle.
• As usual, I'm writing slowly because I know you can't read fast. (într-o scrisoare)
• It's Mrs. Colonel, your wife, sir.
• I've never seen you in your underneath before.
• Poetry, right? That's great how they can rhyme and be hot at the same time.
• What? He changed to psychiatry? That's crazy!
• Well, I guess that's a bear we all gotta cross.
• Oh, I am fine. Well, not really, I am closer to lousy than fine.
• Get away from me before I get physically emotional!
• If I don't eat regularly, everything solid in my body turns to liquid.
• Why don't you sirs act like sirs, sir?
• Here's a mover and a groover and it ain't by Herbert Hoover. It's for all you animals and music lovers. (Radar ca DJ)
• Testing, tes...1,2,3. Testing, 1, 2. Radar here, uh..there's nobody on the radio now except 'Seoul City' Sue so I figured I'd keep you entertained by reading you a letter from my mom. Here it goes. Dear Son, I got your lovely letter. You certainly asked a lot of questions. About the car, you may. About Jennifer next door, yes. About Eleanor Simon, she did once or twice but not too much. About your uncle Albert, uh no on drinking, yes on AA. About the dog Leon, three times in the bedroom, once under the washer, and twice on the cat. Testing, testing. About the cat, we don't have one anymore. About your cousin Ernie, he's in the...(explosion) Oh! Oh! Here we go again! Watch out! (Radar la staţia de amplificare))
• Sorry, camp. Attention! By command of the new commanding officer, all officers report to the commanding officer's office, sirs. (Radar la staţia de amplificare)
• Testing, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 testing. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I got a gal in Kalamazoo... (Radar la staţia de amplificare)
• She kicked me and then she messed all my files from M to Zee and everything... And then she got mad.
• Dear Mrs. Burns, I regret to inform that your husband has been seen out of uniform, and maybe you would like to know with who. (Radar citind scrisoarea pe care Hawkeye vroia să o trimită soţiei lui Frank)
• Are you going to be a mother, sir? (Radar către Margaret)

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan

• Oh, go salute yourselves!
• Do you know that you look just like my father before he died?
• I am not so think as you drunk I am.
• You different men are all alike.
• Money is far down on my list, major. It comes second or third...... Second.

Maj. Frank Burns

• Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.
• I want foxholes there, there, there and there -- each one smartly dug. The kind of hole a man can throw himself into with pride.
• You can't park a jeep over a superior officer!!!
• Corporal, deform the men.
• I've gotten "Thank you" notes from people I said I'd never see again.
• That's what I understand from a very reliable gossip!
• Any mindless baboon can see she isn't here, including me.
• Anyone who needs psychiatry is sick in the head.
• I'm sick of hearing about the wounded. What about all the thousands of wonderful guys who are fighting this war without any of the credit or the glory that always goes to those lucky few who just happen to get shot.
• Oh Margaret, you're my snug-harbour. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you to sail into.
• The enemy cuts off your supply line, lets you get cold and hungry and then they go right for your soft underbelly. That's where the rifle fella.
• Mind your own beeswax.
• Oh go practice your putts!
• Talking to Major Houlihan is the same as talking to me as we are intimate with each other at all times.
• Corporal, deform the men.
• Go peddle your fish!
• I don't chew my cabbage twice.
• It's nice to be nice to the nice.
• Oh, pedal your petunias!
• We all know it's brutal up there at the front, especially those of us at the rear!
• This was a great war, 'till you guys showed up!
• I am only paranoid because everyone is against me.

Cpl. Maxwell "Max" Q. Klinger

• I am going to live through this even if it kills me.
• May the mother of your camels spit in your yogurt!
• Boy seeing the way you guys work with the wounded, the way you deal with burned up legs, ripped up bellies. Makes me proud every time I throw up.
• Colonel Potter, Sir! Corporal Klinger. I'm section 8, head to toe. I'm wearing a warner bra. I play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts. I should be out. (Şi reacţia lui Potter: "Horse hockey!")
• Are you eating breakfast cereal or is that just a bad telephone line?

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III

• Every time he tickles those ivories, the entire elephants' graveyard turns over. (Charles despre Mulcahy cântând la pian.
• Carbon paper in the safe -- what brilliant foresight! In only 2000 years it will turn into diamonds!
• Ah, Klinger, my constant reminder that Darwin was right!
• ...but know this. You can cut me off from the civlised world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice daily swill, but you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness and I shall be delivered from this fetid an festering sewer.
• MASH? That's one of those traveling medicine shows, isn't it?

Col. Sherman T. Potter

• It always amazes me how a baby can take a normal adult and turn him into a babbling idiot.
• You'll have to excuse these two, they are themselves today.
• It's 3 'blessed' a.m.! Even roosters are comatose!
• You blow another kiss, Pierce, and those lips will never walk again.
• You have to give Winchester a credit. He is bright, educated, and an A-1 surgeon, and with all that he still found a room to be a total jerk.
• Never insult seven men when all you have is a six shooter.
• I've got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son, and he dresses a lot like my wife
• So, to me that's a tip-toe through the tullips.
• What in the name of beelzibub?
• Pigeon pellets!
• Great Caesar's Salad!
• Cow cookies!
• Horse hockey!
• What in the name of Marco 'BLESSED' Polo...!
• Where in the name of Carrie's Corset...!
• Holy hemostat!
• Jumping Jeosephat!
• The next person who's nice to me dies is going to die with boots on. Mine!
• Well, official channels could take forever. I remember when I applied for permission to get married. By the time the papers came through, my son was divorced!
• Now you take World War 2. My unit got the word that Nazis, dressed as eskimos, had overun Seattle. Incredible as it seems, half my unit believed it.
• Horse hockey!
• Road apples!
• Great balls of fire!
• Mule muffins!
• Busload of bushwah!
• Hell bells!
• Crock of beans!
• Mule fritters!
• Monkey muffins!
• Buffalo bagels!
• Buffalo chips!
• Hot mustard!
• Hot sausage!
• Pigeon pellets!
• Pony pucks!
• Beaver biscuits!
• Cow cookies!
• Bull cookies!
• Pig feathers!
• Jumpin' jompers!
• Sufferin' saddlesoap!
• Sufferin' sheepdip!
• Scuttlebug is as common as cooties in your skivvy!
• Great Caesar's Ghost...
• Great Mother McCree...
• Where in the name of Carrie's Corset...
• What in the name on beelzebub is going on here...
• What in the name of Sweet Fanny Adams...
• What in the name of Marco "BLESSED" Polo...
• What in the name of Samuel Hill...
• What in the name of Great Caesar's Salad...
• What in the name of George Armstrong Custer...
• Pierce, are you deef? I'm giving your hijinks the heave-ho, post-haste! I'm the boss here! I can do that!

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut

• Hawk, you are shaved, cleaned, dressed! It's revolting.
• This is the last darn sock I darn until the war is over.
• Enemy advances bring medical advances.
• I haven't volunteered since the day my draft board tied me up and sent me here.

Corpsman Ignazio Desimone

• What good is it to be a Ferrari if you are out of gas?
• You are toying with me like a cat with a dead moose!

Army Col. Samuel Flagg

• Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don't know what it is. I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion.
• ...it's the duty of every real American to be on the lookout for goldbricks, pinko's and fellow travelers. 'Course without the likes of Americans like you the jobs of Americans like me would be a lot more difficult. But don't get me wrong, Americans like me like difficult jobs. So don't get the idea you're doing the CIA any favors. We don't really need Americans like you, we don' need anybody.
• Don't play dumb with me, you're not as good at it as I am!

Father Francis Mulcahy

• The meek may inherit the earth but it's the grumpy who gets promoted!

PA announcer

• ...In the meantime, be on the lookout for a male caucasian lamb. He is unarmed, and considered to be delicious
• Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be canceled.
• The glee club meets in the mess tent at o-eight hundred hours. The first number on tonight's schedule is, uh, Father Mulcahy's solo "I'm confessin That I Love You."
• Attention all personnel. When filling out GI insurance forms, be sure to state your age and sex at the time of your last birthday.
• A reminder that the 4077th Christmas party for the Korean children in the area will be held today at fourteen hundred hours. So everyone turn out to meet the kids. Santa will be there too; we can only hope he's sober.
• Attention. Attention. One minute to Charlie. The betting book is now closed.
• nd now direct from North Korea, here he is for the sixth hit week, 5 O'clock Charlie, his airplane, and his astigmatism!
• nd that concludes 5 O'clock Charlie for today, folks. Hope you enjoyed him as much as North Korea enjoyed bringing him to ya. Results of the pool will be announced in just a few minutes. Join us tomorrow same time. Until then, have a nice war.
• And here he is for your wartime pleasure, the one and only, 5 O'Clock Charlie!
• So as he flies the blue lady of the skies into the sunset, we say 'aloha, 5 O'clock Charlie' and return to our duties. Let me remind you the hospital is open 24 hours for your dining and dancing pleasure.
• Attention. Major Houlihan, your chest x-rays are ready and they really came out beautiful.
• Attention all personnel. Due to circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today.
• Attention all personnel. By order of Major Frank Burns, lights out in ten minutes sharp. Anyone not in their own beds at that time will have to spend the night wherever they are.
• Attention all personnel. Because of the epidemic, tonight's broken film which has not arrived yet is cancelled. A reminder from Colonel Blake, due to the flu kindly refrain from kissing anyone unless absolutely necessary.
• Attention. Captain Alvin Mercer leaves for a honeymoon in Tokyo at oh-nine hundred hours. Any nurse wishing to be the bride please contact the captain. No experience necessary.
• Attention all personnel. Since there are no casualties again today, tonight's midnight movie will be seen at nine o'clock this morning. Also, midnight will be cancelled.
• Attention. Attention all personnel. No casualties expected for indefinite period. AFRS announces the release of Nazi war criminal Alfred Krupp. Everybody's going home but us.
• Attention. Attention. All personnel may stand down. Armed Forces Radio reports that General Mark W. Clark has just been appointed commander of the U.N. forces in Korea. General Clark succeeds General Ridgeway who succeeded General MacArthur. And that's the news generally speaking. No one's succeeding us at all.
• Captains Pierce and McIntyre report to O.R. immediately! Move it...sirs.
• Attention all personnel. Tonight's movie is a holdover from last week and will be shown right after supper, which is also a holdover from last week.
• Attention all personnel. Attention. The eagle screams today. It's payday. All personnel will kindly form an orderly stampede.
• Attention. Here's a bulletin from the truce talks at Panmunjon: after six weeks of negotiation, the U.N. and North Korea have agreed that flagpoles in the peace compound are to be thirty-two feet, six and one quarter inches high. World leaders hail this agreement as an important step toward lasting peace.
• Attention. A jeep with single patient wants to meet single doctor on the double.
• Attention everybody. Incoming wounded. Get yours while they last. Tell your friends.

Sgt. Zelmo Zale

• With a screw driver I'm a regular Leonard daVinci!

Maj. Sidney Freedman

• You're what Freud would call Spooky!
• Freud said that there is a link between anger and wit. Anger turned inwards is depression. Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye!